My nipple is on Facebook.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my being single is dangerous.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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