Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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