in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
