i don't plan on having that self control this summer
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's rum buckets o'clock
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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