You really coming over, don't trick.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
