Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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