You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
