you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I love having hate sex.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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