His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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