Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
So much Jack, so little girl.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
