i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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