how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
