well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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