i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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