I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
