Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
