but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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