Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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