I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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