I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
