If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
