The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
