dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
