Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
