dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
