I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
