Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
