The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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