Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
