I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
