I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
