I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
