he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
