Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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