Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
