The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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