Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
