i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
