I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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