you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
