He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
