I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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