Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
