I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
