I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
