I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
