can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
