from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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