Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
