My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Vodka?
Forever.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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