This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
